saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
