I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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