Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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