My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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