What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i now understand why vodka
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
