Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
