lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
