Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
