I cut my penus on the lid.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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