The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
