DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
