I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
