She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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