I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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