Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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