So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
