Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
