my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I queefed so loud it echoed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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