Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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