I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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