she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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