strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
