But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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