You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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