I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
