I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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