There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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