having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
