I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize