:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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