absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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