he puts the penis in happiness.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Shame - the story of my life.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
