i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
