I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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