I will die if light touches me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
