i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Randomize
