I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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