I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
