hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
