he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
