I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
