i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
