my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
