I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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