my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
