I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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