3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
