He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
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was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
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Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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