I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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