Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
