I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
