you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
