there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
