covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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