Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
