I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
