dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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